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20 April 2014 @ 08:54 am
Today is the celebration of Jesus rising from the dead to ascend into heaven. Woot. I've been trying to get a hold of me mum but she is hard to get a hold of sometimes. I hope she is ok and calls me back soon. I' not sure what to do today, I do not really want to go to church, if I was still in my old town I would just walk down to the old church for mass but it is not that easy anymore since I moved. I think I will stay home and clean up, because the house could use a good pick up and rub down here and there. I think we will also cook some yummy food and eat it today. Ok well have a lovely ascension day.
18 April 2014 @ 08:05 pm
So, it seems like there really is no hope for this "relationship". It is really only a bunch of bullshit jumbled together. There is no team work, no real connection except the thought of "wow, you're really fucking crazy". This thought is unanimous. It is really horrible how shitty this all is, I hate sharing it really. But I have to document this stuff so can look back to never look back when I leave him for good. I really do not see any good in him, I mean there is good in everyone but some people hide it deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep down. lol.

ahhh. Yeah.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: Country Road - whoever
15 April 2014 @ 09:49 pm
I have finally realized that when it comes to relationships people are usual. Which means they're usually full of shit. A man will not tell an unassociated woman who is hanging off their arm they are in a monogamous relationship; instead they will beat around the bush and see what happens. I was told by this guy he was relieved when a group of guys approached him and started a brawl over this girl who openly wanted to sleep with him. Apparently he really didn't want to go home with that chick so getting into a fight prevented it. Now this part of the conversation only came up because he brought up his girlfriend at the time, so I asked him why he didn't just tell the girl to get of his arm because he wasn't interested, he had a girlfriend. The logic behind his frugal passivity was the ratio of girls to guys - the lack of men in the town cause a hot heat to form in the females and make them aggressive sluts, void of shame, and ready to sleep with a man regardless of relationship status. I feel like men in their twenties are mentally still in high school. It is very funny, and I'm laughing thinking about the details of a man's vagueness. Sigh. Osho says, if you love someone you would not mind if they find love and joy from another. I told BF this a long time ago, and he said fuck no, I'd kill 'em.
Shrug. Society and its standards of happiness are interesting. I know it is custom in some tribes in South America for women to pick their husbands and dump them whenever they become unhappy with them as well as have more than one husband. It is very interesting. My Anthropology 1 teacher told us he knew a tribal woman from South America who had two husbands who were brothers, there the women are leaders. HMMMMM.

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Gnarls Barkley
13 April 2014 @ 01:16 pm
I've been home all weekend, chillin', watching movies and funnies while boyfriend is at work. It is healing to be at home, alone with my own company. Then boyfriend comes home and I show him some love, I guess he doesn't want it. Then all my gathered-positive energy is instantly diminished and I feel as lonely as ever. Was it Anais Nin who said :It is a more painful loneliness when lonely while with someone, than to be by ones self, alone?: Maybe it was Marylin Monroe. Shrug, sigh. Either way, this is true for me. I have never felt such a lack of connectedness; a lack of relation with someone I am close to. Close to, this is they key phrase. When one is close to someone they are willing and able (usually, not in every instance) to share thoughts, and feelings, and just day to day experiences with the other person. Open, and without fear of ridicule or vicious judgements. Is it so crazy to know I am not in that type of partnership, and voice it? I am unable to share thoughts on stuff because I instantly get shot down. I will tell you a short story:

Boyfriend and I were drinking one day, having fun wasting money you know. I guess I am a fucking lightweight because I get drunk fast. I don't even realize it until I start smoking cigarettes, then I'm obviously drunk and need to sit down and eat some food. So we have both drank a little too much at our local bar, less than a mile away from home. We're saying goodbye to our 55 year old, traveling for work, lonely alcoholic friend, from Texas. Boyfriend becomes really really adamant about leaving right then and there, we gotta GO! I mean, he's cursing at me telling me to get the fuck up out of the bar stool I've been sitting in for the past two and a half hours; giving me the stink eye. Look dude, we went to a bar to drink and have some fun and chill and let loose a bit, lighten the hell up, here finish my beer. So I say ok, ok, yeah lets go. I bum a cigarette off these two women outside on the patio, and get pulled down the street by BF. So, we're walking and I think I start talking about something silly, or philosophical (""). Whatever drunk stuff people talk about. He doesn't really give a shit about what I am saying, he is still pissed off because we didn't leave as soon as he wanted to. He's giving me the cold shoulder now, I mean it was bound to happen eventually. It always does. We run into some Mormon gals spreading the word of Joseph Smith, blah blah blah, I drunkenly tell them it's all the same, blah blah blah they walk away. Wheee! I'm still drunk and BF is still aggro/stiff as a board. We get home, and I walk into the living room to say hi to BF's brother who was residing there temporarily. I sit down in front of his bed, on the floor and see he's on the phone. I just kinda stay there...I don't know why, I wasn't trying to listen to his conversation, or stare at him creepily. I wasn't, I don't think. I believe I was just comfortable plopped on the floor...Bf's brother tells me I am making him uncomfortable sitting there and to go away. I say Ok! Sorry, going away! =^_^= I go into the kitchen where drunk BF is trying to cook a fish patty to eat...I really cannot remember what I said to him, or what he said to me, but I remember feeling hurt, and sad, and not wanting to feel that way. I put my shoes back on and walked over to our neighbor friend's garage where he usually is (sleeps) to smoke with him. He didn't answer, so I figured it would not hurt to go to our other neighbor friend's house to say hello, and knowing the girlfriend smokes cigs maybe I could bum one. So, I go over there and dude answers the door. I say hello, how ya doing? Sorry to bother you, I wanted to know if I can bum a smoke from your GF? He says ya sure, but please call next time, please do not knock on my door, I am dealing with a lot, my mom is over and I am just dealing with a lot, please do not just come over. I say ok! Sorry, I don't have your number BF does, I will not just knock on your door next time! His GF comes out, smiles, we go down stairs to smoke and I'm surprised to hear she is only 20. I don't even remember, maybe a bit younger, Maybe she got offended and this is why they hate us now. She doesn't look old! Her BF does comparatively so, I guess I was just surprised, and drunk, mainly drunk, and gayly reacted to her youth. -_- Soooo, my BF walks over from our place a few meters down the lane while we're talking. Then another neighbor pops out of his door next to where we were smoking, and starts to talk with us, asking what is going on. Everyone is talking and greeting each other, new guy says he is drinking too with his GF. We seem to be having a nice little time, some young lady walks out from her door with her dog and says hello, her and pop up dude talk about their kids, etc. Friendly, nice, pleasantries I guess...
We get invited (sort of) into the guy's apartment who popped up. Now I say sort of because he literally said, you guys can come in and kick it for a while if you'd like, he even came out with a little can of beer for one of us....I said yes, that would be lovely...and as everyone from the other apartments is going back inside their places, dude who invited us in goes into his with his GF and closes his door. Now, before this happened I took the liberty, since he had said his GF was inside in the first place, to knock on the door to invite her outside to meet her. He went upstairs to the original neighbors door I had knocked on to say hello, or something. She was very sweet and seemed happy to talk with everyone. After all was said and done everyone goes back inside their homes, as I said. Boyfriend and I are outside, I am expecting the people who invited us inside to...well invite us, I again take the liberty, thinking that maybe they forgot, to knock on their door and ask if they wanted to hang. Now, I distinctly remember giggling before I did this, so I think that the guy who invited us is is just a fucking dick hole who lacks chivalry, especially seeing that he tried to fucking kiss me when I was looking at his backyard garden. I mean really dude? I just sat at your kitchen table and talked with your girlfriend for an hour and you fucking pull that creepy weirdo shit??? GOD!!!! Right after that attempted kissing situation, he got all weird and felt obliged to rudely ask us to leave. His GF/house slave repeating the fact that they (They are his and another woman's -_-) have children Who were not even there that night, for the record. BF and I walk back home, and once inside our room I told him what had happened in the back patio with creepy dude and he gives me a weird look and shrugs, saying "what...?" I tell him I think that's why that ended the way it did and not on a lighter note. Like... Hey, you know it was nice meeting you. lets do it again sometime, here's our number, have a good night. bye. Sort of know? Lol. Instead he just said, (snort) "you need to leave. Get out, now."

So, I tell boyfriend how strange that all was and we go to sleep. The next day we have the worst hangovers ever, ever ever ever. I wanna puke, he wants to sucked. He goes to work, he thought he had work later on that day, but it ended up he was wrong and he went late to work. He tried to get it off by calling in sick but his boss talked him into going because they were so short staff. Sad, I know. So I stay home and chill, trying hard to not throw up or experience intense vertigo.
Now, I felt a little bad for drunkenly interrupting our neighbor friend's evenings. I get this idea that we should bake them something and say sorry for imposing on their doors. We were just a little too friendly-drunk that evening. Not something habitual as you know, because it has only happened once this entire year we've lived here. Please don't shun us. ^_^ This never happened though because for a while I did not have the money to buy a nice box of cookie mix. But once I did...and was really considering acting upon my sheer want for a peaceful friendly community Boyfriend tells me he received a text from the first neighbor whose door I knocked on (the one who has his mom over) saying something along the lines of: "hey, dude. Me and my neighbors did not appreciate you coming over and bothering us the other night. We all think you are weird and do not ever want you to come around here again, plus I don't like your tweaker vibe. stop smoking by my garage too. - sincerely, Pot Growing Neighbor"
o.O Kaaaay.
Now, BF was very upset by this text. I was a little hurt by it too. I thought we were all in this together! BF starts talking about how he will keep smoking where he usually smokes, and that he never liked them anyway, that they are the tweakers and such. I understood where he was coming from, but I also wanted to tell him - Look. They can think whatever they want, let's just be the reasonable, compassionate ones in this situation and not judge. This is clearly a misunderstanding and we should not jump to conclusions like neighbor is. I was able to tell him I was thinking about doing the whole cookie thing with the note or little speech and that now I guess that is out the window. His reaction was "Ohhhkay...??" I started to tell him what else I wanted to say about not jumping to judgement but he interrupted me and got defensive, by saying that I said I (me) thought they were weird in the first place. Either way I also didn't get to tell him the reason why I think neighbor specified the whole tweaker thing. I mean I really could not get one fucking damn word in edgewise for the life of me. He was so damn wound up and in a frenzy. When I responded to what he said he freaked out and was very defensive as if I was telling him he has done something wrong, or what he said was wrong. I was justly trying to show him another way of looking at it rather than jumping to conclusions, which in his mind is fuck them THEY are the psycho-tweakers. Stay away from them. If they approach you just ignore them. Literally that is his end all be all, ignore. How childish.
So, I must tell you why I think our neighbor jumped to calling us "tweaker vibe people"...(which is so not true I am more of a stoner vibe person.) Two days after the drunken visiting night, I had got off from work and gone to the safeway by my house, a co-worker of mine who also lives in the nieghborhood was buddying with me, we went inside to buy a bit of cake and coffee and to chat a bit. We were inside all day at work, so we go to sit outside in front of the store by her bicycle. We're sipping our coffee, laughing about something silly, and I hear this loud booming music! I turn to see what car it is coming from, and behind me the security guard is yelling for them to turn it down. I spot the car as it comes passed where we're standing, and it is my neighbor friends! The guy and the girlfriend who had their mother over and was having a stressful day and didn't want me to knock on his door anymore but call him instead...right? (the guy who sent the text a few days after.) So they smile at me and I wave and say "HI!" We laugh because of the whole loud techno music pissing off the security guard. I mean obviously they enjoy a little disturbance of the peace sometimes too, right? Now, the guy glances over at my coworker friend. I think to myself, perhaps he knows her, she does get around for sure with that bike of hers. I have to tell you, my co-worker friend is a bit of a ditz, perhaps. I think this is me trying to be nice about the fact that she is eccentric in her ways, she talks to everyone, including herself, always smiling, saying hello, nice dress etc. I am also pretty sure she has done some hard drugs in her time which has probably scrambled her brains a little bit, but she is still a nice person. (?) She is older than me, I'd say she is in her late 40's, she looks great! Let me tell you, nice skin. I notice he noticed her, she and I go on with our chat. She commented on how I said hi, all cute and such. I am sure my neighbor has had a conversation or two with this woman ( I think everyone probably has), and in seeing me with her I believe he concluded we were long time buddies... maybe doing some drugs together, and annoying people with our constant blabber. Of course, I was very drunk (that one time) when I imposed my presence onto his front door step. I do not think I was twitchy, or jumpy. It is not like, you know I have not had previous conversations with this couple before! I think his seeing me with her, and the fact that my cookies did not arrive in a more timely manner after I was drunk knocking, he decided he doesn't like BF and I anymore....Whatever.
So, I tried really hard to tell BF about this hypothesis, he never got the chance to hear it. He blames me for "barging in" on their home, which I didn't do BTW. He says it is because I didn't leave the weird guy's house who tried to kiss me that night fast enough. He kicked us out in the rudest and most instantaneous way, I hardly had time to react. I mean I was outside finishing my smoke, three drags left of it...he comes out and says "get out, now." Whoa dude....Ok, let me just finish this smoke and I'll leave. Ok, that is fine. He says. Two fucking seconds later, no never mind just get out not. Put it out there, and leave. Oh, ok. Ok. There it's out, let me open the damn sliding door now and say goodbye to your girlfriend whom I just met before I run out the door. Oh, she looks upset and is babbling about the kids she didn't concevieve, OK Or maybe, she isn't as stupid as you think she is and she knows you pulled some douche bag shit? "Nice meeting you, if you ever need any gardening tools we're right over there, at number 9! Thanks for having us over." No, it is all my fault. Because I don't jump to the beck and call of abusive, womanizing assholes. It is my fault because you said something hurtful to me, numerous times before I just did not want to take it anymore and I wanted to make a few friends and actually try and be a bit happy and social with people after it failed with you. It is my fault because you have all the cards in your hand and I got nothin' to put on the table. Right? Or, did you just slap the cards from my hand and say pick 'em up?
This, is a result of an abusive boyfriend. An abusive human being who does not care to see or hear other people's thoughts with an open mind, especially not his mine. This is where I am in my measly life. Stuck. Surrounded by people who assume I am some horrible person who should not be around their kids, or be seen in the public eye because they do not understand where I come from. I am stuck, and I want to have friends, and a significant other who can laugh with me, and cry with me, and just be on the same page as me every once in a while.
When I told him I was thinking about making cookies and saying sorry to the guy who we bothered so much (the one who sent the text) he looked at me like I was dumb. There was no supportive response. No comment saying "yeah, I thought of something like that too before this text", or "ya, that's a good idea. Maybe I could text him back telling him it is all a misunderstanding, and we would like to square things out with them." None of that was probably even thought of.
I cannot stand someone who cannot respectively stand up for themselves and who cannot avoid pointing the finger at someone.
I sill want to be friendly with our neighbor who sent that text (and even the weird people who invited us in, I mean they were drunk too...benefit of the doubt people.) They all are OK people, just like us. I just wish I had my partner to communicate this to and act as a couple to... just better our lives and minds.
It is so simple, yet it must take a miracle for him to change his ways.
Current Mood: Lethargic
Current Music: Daughter to faher- Lindsay Lohan
29 March 2014 @ 10:27 pm
Haha, I am in the midst of changing my major. It is to become Global Studies, I think. I am like 98.3% sure this is the major I want. I also wish my school had a literature appreciation (type) major, but maybe that is dumb and should not exsist. I thought of just majoring in English, and I saw that quantitative reasoning was necessary, looked it up, freaked out, realized (after a while) it was just a fancy word for math and slapped myself for shitting my pants over it. Still, what a relief, I thought I would have to become an expert at deducing economic issues and shit. Anywho, I love English, and reading and writing and critical thinking and philosophizing and all that good juicy stuff, but I also like the idea of learning a little bit about all the places in the world and having to take a year of a second language to graduate rather than just wanting to lean Spanish but having a hard time fitting it into my schedule because of all the quantitative reasoning I need to do.
Current Location: Bed
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: Mother - John Lennon
That's a catcher! Always in this day and age you know you can grasp onto someone's attention by entwining sex into the main front of their view! Fab-tabulous.
I am very excited because I am learning new things and being a human, and loving the fresh air and fresh faces of the world. I think there is something we can all learn from this world; a new ice cream flavor, maybe.
My lovely English Prof. is moving to fucking Alexandria, Egypt. Jesus Christ woman that is a long far away place, you know?!
I already miss her but hope to be pen-pals, everyone loves pen-pals! ^_^

If I were to move I would go to who gives a shit.

It i saint Patrick's Day everyone! This is super mega exciting! I am going to continue folding clothes and wishing I had more beer until BF comes home and we can have fun together wearing green, and singing songs, and being really quiet because it's a work day and roommate has to go to work early tomorrow morn....teeheehee.


I hope my sister is having a feckin kick ass first Paddy's day living in Oregon! It would be lovely to see the fresh wet trees, and the lovely brown ground, and the grey, maybe cloudy or foggy skies. I would love to sit with her on her new porch and be cool. Oh the fun we would have and the love we would share, and probably some good ol' local beer!

Do you ever dread seeing a person, or living with them? I try not to feel that way towards my roommate but I think a lot of it is because they are in the living room and I like to have space, but I also think is it an insecurity thing, like I am afraid to open up without saying something stupid or exposing my fleshy parts. Squish.
But really the person is a bit annoying and nit-picky sometimes, and in the ways I am not. *Cackles alone in the kitchen

I mean really I can do some weird shit I think when I am comfortable enough or no one is around to witness my oddities. I'll say random shit based on what I'm doing but in attempted foreign accents or old man voices, those are the best. I think if anyone heard me and they don't do that shit they would think I am weird and super annoying. Just a guess.

Besides fuddy-duddy, I do believe I have so more cleaning to do and I love chit chatting with Livejournal, always fun, always hella chill.

<333 Jenny-Marie
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Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
Current Music: Moooosic
01 January 2014 @ 02:41 am
Breaking bread here, or rather baking it, LOL. It is 2:40ish am. i'm chillin in my bedroom with my partner sleeping next to me, so cute. I have created an apple bread recipe, wish me luck!

I love the eggs, so rich and wholesome in your belly. It is amazing what a wonderful meal can do for the body.

Happy new year to all and to all a happy and healthy life!
Current Mood: chill
Current Music: All the Small Things-Blink182
20 December 2013 @ 07:30 pm
So, I guess school is done now and winter vacation is here. Cool. Considering moving in with my boss as my relationship is failing. We shall see how this ends, but it has been hard my brain is fried and my body is upset and stressed. Tata.
Current Mood: dirtydirty
01 December 2013 @ 12:04 pm
To the limit.


Current Mood: lazylazy
Current Music: counting stars
19 November 2013 @ 10:06 am
ecstatic face activated.

Wheeeee! I love the rain so much. It is the most magnificent, blessed being; right up there with coffee.
If it were not for rain humans would not be alive. There are o many reasons why we need to work harder harder harder to let it rain, baby. The rain is so peaceful. Funny, I get my period when it is raining, it's also kinda funny because I've been a raging bitch for the past week, which I account for hormones and also not being sexually pleased enough, but whatever! I'm bleeding from my whispering eye and no one can stop me now!
I was supposed to go to group today, I'm glad I didn't. I have to finish my cou. 62 homework and go to classes tomorrow. I am not doing so well in school, I kinda wish I was a robot, then my emotions and externally effected thoughts...wouldn't exist. Le Sigh. Oh the rain the rain! Woooh. I bet my farmer friends are saying woohoo right now too. But seriously spare the fucking air for rocks sake, man. I wish I lived with three women and not three men, they smell and are annoying and aggressive and ugly. Snort. Man, I'm still PMSing, I think my thoughts have been mainly filled with shit, fuck, cunt, fag, bitch, and retard. Yes very politically correct of me, Christ help me.

I found a giant fucking pincher bug in the yesterday's coffee cup, it was suckin on the milk at the bottom, EW.
I think there is a hole somewhere near my window where they are getting in because I see them a lot in my bed room, they hella do not belong inside my house. It reminds me of the time I woke up to centipedes crawling up my bedroom walls when I lived with my sister. Fuck'n A that was horrifying.
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: Love is real